My nipple is on Facebook.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
