my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The struggles of a small town man whore
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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