when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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