His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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