he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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