she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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