We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
