so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
