there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
