I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
