she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
