problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
