its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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