i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
