Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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