im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
