That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
