Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
