So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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