he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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