can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
