I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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