so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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