Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
