Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
