he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
