dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
