Heybabeimwearingurpanties
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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