I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
