i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
