I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
