Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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