just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
