...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
