Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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