I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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