when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
