Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
