I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
