these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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