guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
And then he peed in my hair
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
