____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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