Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
