I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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