She is in my trunk
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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