ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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