I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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