she sounds like chewbacca in bed
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
