Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
