You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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