I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
