you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
