JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You ruined the universe
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
