You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
